cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I’M CRYINGGG
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
#titanic
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.