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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I never needed anything more in my life
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.