sensitive skin
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I don’t think my car can fly
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.