scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.