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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Otters drive ottermobiles.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Bros before Ohioes
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.