My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Every house has this drawer
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.