I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
You Might Also Like
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹