I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times