Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
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NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Strange
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.