*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
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My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
🤣
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not