Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The smoothest fall of all time
#oldknees
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
was Jim off killing horses or…
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*