ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Genius idea!!
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.