Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
You Might Also Like
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.