How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.