When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Poetry is my passion
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”