Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.