5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
🛁
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim