Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
who will stop them
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?