Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
.. do you even science?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex