*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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concern
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?