oh you wanna fight?!
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.