ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
You Might Also Like
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
These are too funny not to post 😂
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.