[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.