if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend