Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos