Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
You Might Also Like
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*