What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON