YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.