Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
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If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
pictures of spider-man
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?