[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.