PLOT TWIST:
You Might Also Like
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I need to update my racial profile.