Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.