3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
So, can we agree on 4 or
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?