Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Otters see a butterfly.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I’m giving up for Lent.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy