My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
This line from Airplane.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.