Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”