Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
You Might Also Like
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
so weird how every mom was born today
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.