“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
You Might Also Like
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.