I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Van Gone
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓