*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
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Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.