Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
how to have an accident 101
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
ibopfufen
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.