i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Guys, I found it.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
True?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The struggle is real.