My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.