I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You Might Also Like
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Damn he played himself
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
mom had nothing to worry about
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man