My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
You Might Also Like
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”