Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Pikachu found the lost joint
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
won’t smith
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Oh my god
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.