[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭