The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.