“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note