Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
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I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Ah yes. The three genders
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.